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"Tank" DempseyEdit

"Haha! Who knew that Death Row had an EXPRESS LANE!?"
— When scoring a headshot.


"Had a girl try to turn me onto this stuff once, said it was vegan. Whatever the shit that means."
— Drinking a Perk.


Takeo MasakiEdit

"Our host has returned. It is my honor to greet him!"
— Upon confronting Brutus.


"So, we meet again, Devil Warden. If it is suffering that you crave, I will gladly assist!"
— Upon confronting Brutus.


"Death appears to be the same for the Warden. Never tires, not once."
— Upon killing Brutus.


"Burn in hell! Or wherever cursed pit you are spawned from..."
— Upon killing Brutus.


Nikolai BelinskiEdit





Edward RichtofenEdit

"Maxis! Stop it Edward... This may be just another delusion - It must be. Surely, I would never lead myself into such a... Such a...? Mein Gott! Everything could change!"
— Upon starting a solo match.


"I have done terrible things, surely, but I am certain even I do not deserve this!"
— Upon receiving a pistol.


"An adorable piece of engineering is it not? I'll give you a clue-- It's not."
— Upon receiving an Submachine Gun.


"The filigree is exquisite! Such a shame to see it splattered und defiled with gore."
— Upon receiving the Blundergat.


"There it goes! Mein last thread of sanity snapped in twain! In twain!"
— Upon receiving the box-moving Lock.


"Ammunition und life expectancy are directly proportional!"
— Upon being low on ammo.


"How can I work without ammunition?!"
— Upon being low on ammo.


"Bullets, bitte! I would love to continue shooting!"
— Upon being low on ammo.


"This is a very bad place to run out of ammunition!"
— Upon being low on ammo.


"What is small, metal, und about to run out? Ammunition, dumkopf! Mach schnell!"
— Upon being low on ammo.


"So creamy! So appallingly creamy!"
— Upon purchasing a Perk-a-Cola.


"I appreciate the science behind protoplasms, but-- not so much the aftertaste."
— Upon purchasing a Perk-a-Cola.


"Tastes like something was evolving inside of the bottle."
— Upon purchasing a Perk-a-Cola.


"Fizzy und stimulating!"
— Upon purchasing a Perk-a-Cola.


"Can anyone else hear what things smell like?"
— Upon consuming an Elixir.


"Ja. Pretty sure that's a neurotoxin. Oh well!"
— Upon consuming an Elixir.


"That one wasn't so ba-- It's revolting."
— Upon consuming an Elixir.


"Mein gott there's a lot of swinging involved! I can shred the undead und mein waistline at the same time!"
— Upon getting multiple kills with the Path of Sorrows.


"Let's see how well you bite und scratch without your heads und limbs!"
— Upon getting multiple kills with the Path of Sorrows.


"So much is made of this "ancient art form!" I've picked it up in an afternoon!"
— Upon getting multiple kills with the Path of Sorrows.


"It has been a fine afternoon of spirited amputations! Quite invigorating!"
— Upon getting multiple kills with the Path of Sorrows.


"Oh, Takeo! Do your ancestors have any more of these magic swords lying around? I simply must have one!"
— Upon getting multiple kills with the Path of Sorrows.


"If I were crazy and Japanese, I'd swear this sword just "woke up.""
— Upon reaching full charge on level 2 Path of Sorrows.


"Theory confirmed! This sword is dripping with supernatural power!"
— Upon reaching full charge on level 3 Path of Sorrows.


"Auf wiedersehen! Where is the Doctor?! Where could he have possibly gone?"
— Upon using the Shadow of Death ability of the Path of Sorrows.


"Now I have enough for all of you, und all your stinking, shambling relatives!"
— Upon receiving a Max Ammo.


"Ah, sehr gut! Mein waffen was thirsty!"
— Upon receiving a Max Ammo.


"Ammunition! Not ein moment too soon."
— Upon receiving a Max Ammo.


"All of them, so weak! I could sneeze und destroy the entire-- ACHOO! Marvelous, now it's everywhere."
— Upon receiving an Insta-Kill.


"I will tear through their ranks as I have torn through space und time!"
— Upon receiving an Insta-Kill.


"Board all the windows! Seal all the gaps! Watch your fingers!"
— Upon receiving a Carpenter.


"Marvel as I drive hundreds of nails using only my imagination!"
— Upon receiving a Carpenter.


"I could just squeal with gratitude! If only I cared one iota."
— Upon receiving a Bonus Points.


"Such generosity! Have you got any spare lumps of zombie stool as well?"
— Upon receiving a Bonus Points.


"Fine! Bonus! Just give it here while I retain some semblance of dignity."
— Upon receiving a Bonus Points.


"Creating a better tomorrow is neither easy nor cheap."
— Upon receiving a Double Points.


"Where does the money come from I wonder? The Bank of the Damned? Undead Savings und Loan?"
— Upon receiving a Double Points.


"If I get another teddy, I will be very upset! Teddies are liars."
— Upon receiving a Fire Sale.


"Ein more blut, bitte, danke! I simply can't get enough of that sickly-sweet ichor!"
— Upon receiving a Zombie Blood.


"So this is it, ja? This is how you spend every day in eternity, just appear out of nowhere, wave your stick about, und explode into a puff of smoke! Bravo!"
— Upon confronting Brutus.


"Look everyone! He's been reborn! Just like he always says! Isn't that spectacular?"
— Upon confronting Brutus.


"Herr Warden! What ein predictable und obnoxious surprise."
— Upon confronting Brutus.


"There you are, you ridiculous oaf! Prepare to die again!"
— Upon confronting Brutus.


"Impeccable timing as always, Herr Warden! I was just thinking about how much I want to annihilate you!"
— Upon confronting Brutus.


"Killing him may prove pointless, but at least it's therapeutic."
— Upon killing Brutus.


"DIE!!! Und I hope it really hurt that time!"
— Upon killing Brutus.


"I will choose the time und place of my demise! Not you!"
— Upon being hit by a zombie.


"Really, there's no need to be rude!"
— Upon being hit by a zombie.


"Do you mind? I am trying to erase your foul kind from existence!"
— Upon being hit by a zombie.


"Pardon me sir! I am no morsel to be chewed."
— Upon being hit by a zombie.


"What a surprise! Another reanimated corpse! Yawn!"
— Upon being hit by a zombie.


"Ach, I think I'm getting sepsis just looking at you."
— Upon being hit by a zombie.


"Now try screaming without a windpipe, dumkopf!"
— Upon killing a zombie with a melee attack.


"Ooh... Someone is allergic to knives!"
— Upon killing a zombie with a melee attack.


"Tell me again about mein issues with intimacy!"
— Upon killing a zombie with a melee attack.


"Such wonderful, wonder-violence!"
— Upon killing zombies with the Blundergat/Acid Gat/ Magmagat.


"Bless this ridiculous contraption!"
— Upon killing zombies with the Blundergat/Acid Gat/ Magmagat.


"The action, the recoil, the sound! Absolutely intoxicating."
— Upon killing zombies with the Blundergat/Acid Gat/ Magmagat.


"Mein gott, so much fun! Let's do another, I want to go again!"
— Upon killing zombies with the Blundergat/Acid Gat/ Magmagat.


"Away with you, vermin!"
— Upon killing a Hellhound.


"How could I have underestimated the Warden this much? How could he have the knowledge to build-- Unless..."
— Upon using the Pack-a-Punch Machine.


"Ja, let's build your lab under Alcatraz! It's just a twisted little pocket dimension, what could go wrong? Fucking Illuminati."
— Upon using the Pack-a-Punch Machine.


"Great Wolfgang's Ghost! Ohh, haha! It's only one of the demon wolves! They seem almost... drachen-esque."
— Upon first encountering Cerberus.


"Behold! The eater has become the eat-ed!"
— Upon feeding Cerberus.


"Chew your food, Wolfy, you'll choke on the pelvis!"
— Upon feeding Cerberus.


"Goodbye, wolfy! Greedy little ingrate. Not so much as a thank you bark!"
— Upon finishing feeding first Cerberus.


"Open wide, Wolfy Dog! Here comes another nice juicy corpse!"
— Upon feeding Cerberus.


"Feeding undead to a demonic wolf is exactly how I wanted to spend mein afternoon."
— Upon feeding Cerberus.


"Finished again! That thing eats more than any creature I have ever encountered! Dempsey is a human, he does not count."
— Upon finishing feeding second Cerberus.


"Ach, so jealous! It's been so long since I've eaten... that actually looks appetizing!"
— Upon feeding Cerberus.


"I'm not sure what's worse! The Warden's demonic office or his ghastly home decor."
— Upon entering Warden's House.


"Ach! As a doctor, calling this place an infirmary is offensive."
— Upon entering Infirmary.


"Could this be his inner sanctum? The writing all over the walls certainly doesn't scream "sanity." It reminds me of my lab."
— Upon walking into Warden's Office.


"The water seems so calm. Such a shame that any attempt to cross it would delete us from existence. I'm tempted to let Nikolai try."
— Upon approaching the edge of the Docks.


"Mein poor little pink lungs!"
— Upon removing Brutus's helmet.


"Sufficient souls collected!"
— Upon gaining full charge on the Spectral Shield.


"Spectral energy at full charge!"
— Upon gaining full charge on the Spectral Shield.


"Ouch very hot! But cooling quickly... It appears I haven't much time!"
— Upon receiving Tempered Blundergat.


"Re-heat please, mach schnell!"
— Upon reheating Tempered Blundergat.


"Hmmm, you could say that mein metallurgical skills are a bit "rusty." But it appears that the thermo-demonic infusion was a complete success!"
— Upon receiving the Magmagat/Magmus Operandi.


"Did the Kronorium predict this decision? With each move, do we rewrite its pages?"
— Upon purchasing a weapon off the wall.


"Worth every stinking, bloody corpse!"
— Upon purchasing a weapon off the wall.


"Wunderbar! Pull switch und power on! At last, a stroke of luck."
— Upon turning power on near New Industries.


"Power restored! Und I know how much you hate power, Herr Warden, but don't even think about knocking it out again!"
— Upon turning power on near Docks.


"Ahhh, spectral essence! Now if I only had some receptacle to store it in... Perhaps Nikolai has an extra pocket."
— Upon taking Spectral Essence for the Spectral Shield.


"Hmmm- Correct shape, proper alloy, acidic taste... Ja. This will make a suitable shield component."
— Upon taking Metal Door for the Spectral Shield.


"Ha ha, you dumkopf Warden! I have acquired your precious key! Let us see what skeletons you've got hiding in your closet then, shall we?"
— Upon taking the Warden's Key.


"Und SCHNELL! I've got it! Danke, wolfy!"
— Upon receiving the Hell's Retriever.


"Ja, guten tag ghosts! I was wondering if by chance you've seen--"
— Upon using a spirit blast to access the Pack-a-Punch Machine.


"Ahh, the Pack-a-Punch! Set it down just there, if you please!"
— Upon using a spirit blast to access the Pack-a-Punch Machine.


"I must be insane! AAAHH, the flames!"
— Upon fast travelling through Underground Passages.


"I definitely prefer the gondola!"
— Upon fast travelling through Underground Passages.


"I'm still steaming from the last trip!"
— Upon fast travelling through Underground Passages.


"Ach, I am going to reek of sulfur!"
— Upon fast travelling through Underground Passages.


"It's like jumping into a hair dryer!"
— Upon fast travelling through Underground Passages.


"Mein edges are starting to feel quite crispy!"
— After fast travelling through Underground Passages.


"Mein gott! So dizzy! So thirsty!"
— After fast travelling through Underground Passages.


"Wasser, bitte! Wasser!"
— After fast travelling through Underground Passages.


"Ich brenne! Ich brenne! I'm fine."
— After fast travelling through Underground Passages.


"Sehr gut, we've arrived! Is mein face red? I feel red."
— After fast travelling through Underground Passages.


"You may wish to take cover! This is going to make a mess."
— Upon activating trap in New Industries.


"Stand clear of the platter! Unless you wish to be blended!"
— Upon activating trap in New Industries.

Brutus Edit

Alcatraz! Rise and greet our guests properly!

Stuhlinger's Conversations with RichtofenEdit

To activate Stuhlinger's quote, you or someone must be playing as Richtofen while doing the main Easter Egg quest. Simply interact with Stuhlinger's cryo-pod once you've activated the lighthouse!

Conversation 1Edit

Stuhlinger: Twelve-thousand forty-two bottles of beer on the wall, twelve-thousand forty-two bottles of beer! Ya take one down, ya pass it around, twelve-thousand forty-one bottles of beer on the wa-- Oh!

Richtofen: Samuel?!

Stuhlinger: Gah!!! Who in the fudge?! Doctor Richtofen, is that you?

Richtofen: This is an Element 115-based delusion! You are in cryo-stasis back in the lab, how could you-- The Lighthouse... it must have triggered a chain reaction in the Aether!

Stuhlinger: It is you! Wait, hold the phone! Do you mean to tell me I'm a voice inside YOUR head now?! Ain't that a kick in the dick?!

Richtofen: I do not have time for this. Nor the strength.

Dempsey: Time for what, Doc? Who the hell is Samuel? Everything... okay?

Richtofen: Oh no, not at all! In fact, things are much worse now.

Conversation 2Edit

Richtofen: Stop the bird! Stop the bird! Stop-- The book is gone! Why can nothing ever be simple?

Stuhlinger: Yeah, that's a shame! He doesn't trust you guys.

Richtofen: And what exactly would know about it, Samuel?! Hmmm?!

Stuhlinger: Jeez, touchy touchy! Ever since you guys switched on the lighthouse, I've been hearin' all kinds of freaky-deaky chatter in this place. Haven't been able to make out much, but that little bird-- he chirps pretty loud!

Richtofen: Brilliant, Samuel, I was unaware you were fluent in seagull!

Conversation 3Edit

Richtofen: Give me that logic-forsaken book! At long last, something goes according to plan!

Stuhlinger: You could'a just tried asking him to give it back.

Richtofen: Reason with a phantom seagull... I suspect your brain may still be partially frozen.

Stuhlinger: Har dee har! Who's fault is'that, anyway, huh? You said you stuck me in this tube to keep me safe, but now I'm thinkin' you did it just to shut me up!

Richtofen: Ladies und gentlemen, I believe his brain is beginning to thaw!

Conversation 4Edit

Richtofen: If I had three men just like him, we would have been done with this mechanism business, through with that bastard warden, and drinking schnapps in the lab!

Stuhlinger: Hey, Richtofen? Remember when I used to pull levers and jump through portals and get fancy books for you? I could still do all that stuff--

Richtofen: Nein, you can't, Samuel. You are frozen in ein pod in mein lab. Just accept it!

Conversation 5Edit

Stuhlinger: Attaboy, Ed! Way to give that spoon-stabbin' so-and-so a dose of industrial homicide!

Richtofen: Refer to me as Ed again, Sammy, und I will press the Pulse button on your cryo-pod. Repeatedly.

Conversation 6Edit

Stuhlinger: En-core! En-core! En-core! Fuck yeah, Richtofen. Oh man, you guys should start a band!

Richtofen: Of all your idiotic suggestions, Samuel... That one is the least offensive.

Conversation 7Edit

Stuhlinger: Jumpin' fuckin' Jeremiah, you're alive! Wooo! Man. Do you have any idea how scary it is- thinkin' you're gonna be stuck in a box with your own thoughts forever?

Richtofen: Yes, Samuel. I'm afraid I do.

Conversation 8Edit

Richtofen: The thawing sequence has begun, but we cannot wait here. We must finish what we have started und confront our fate above.

Stuhlinger: What about fate, huh? all day, I've been helpin' you out, but no! You're gonna defrost that--

Richtofen: Samuel, if we succeed, you will be safe. Please trust me. Und keep quiet.

Conversation 9Edit

Stuhlinger: That was... That was beautiful, you guys! What you did for that man? I wish you were half as nice to me!

Richtofen: Ohh, would your immortal soul be somehow able to activate the Warden's mechanism?! Because if it is, I will happily toss your pod into the bay!

Conversation 10Edit

Richtofen: Now, gentlemen, I do the right thing! Stand back, you imbeciles! You want mein blood?! TAKE MEIN BLOOD!

Stuhlinger: Wait, what?! You can't mean--

Richtofen: Goodbye, Samuel...

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